Hello From the Other Side [I Must Have Lived a Thousand Lives]

{Hello, it’s me.
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet
To go over everything.}

Yesterday I was driving down Richmond Road, heading to pick Rosebud up from her sweet, little Catholic school. The radio was providing background static while my mind ran around everything that needs to be done. These days, the short car rides to and from school seem to be the only downtime I can afford, and so I treat them like the vacations they are–minus the wine.

But I heard the husky “Hello” crooning from the radio, and I did what every good, red-blooded American does when Adele starts singing, I turned that ish up. Unless you’ve been living under a rock from the past month, you’re familiar with the nostalgia-inducing emotional roller coaster that the song makes you ride. Adele’s got me missing people that never existed

And so here I am, driving my mom-mobile with the little stick-figure family in the back window, trying to figure out why these words make me feel so…something.

{They say that times supposed to heal ya
But I ain’t done much healing}

Who’s forgiveness do I need to be seeking? Who’s running out of time?FOR THE LOVE OF IT ALL, ADELE, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?!

I finally figured it out last night, laying in bed wide awake, suffocating under the weight of the things that I have to do. This was a letter to myself. It was me that I needed to forgive–to heal. For not being who I always thought I would be. For the mismatching alignment between reality and expectation. For failing. For living.

{Hello, can you hear me
I’m in California dreaming about who [I] used to be
When we were younger and free
I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet}

I thought I would be so many things by this point. I made so many promises for the things I would do and the things that I wouldn’t. I promised myself perfection.

{There’s such a difference between us
And a million miles}

Instead I’m left with the startling reality of who stares back at me from the mirror. Some days she’s a stranger. One who doesn’t look at all like the girl that I once was or like the woman that I thought I would be. And I have the job of merging them–reconciling who I once was, with who I thought I would be, and who I actually am.

Some days, I feel like I’ve lived a thousand lives on the journey to find myself, and the fact that I’m still not there has me feeling exhausted.
Some days, I feel like I’ll never be who I want to be.

{It’s no secret that the both of us
Are running out of time}

But maybe this perfectionism that haunts me is what makes me want to be great and is what holds me back from ever reaching it.
It can feel a lot like treading water. Never really going under, but constantly on the verge.

As mothers and wives–as women–we put so much pressure on ourselves to be so many things. To be so many people. And so maybe you need to hear this, too.

You’re enough.
Who you are today is enough.

{Hello from the other side
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home}

It’s okay to forgive yourself.
For being less.
For the days that we can’t get around to vacuuming and we may drown in the pet hair.
For sending Rosebud to school without her gloves.
For not losing the last 10 pounds.
For going without showering on the days life won’t sit still.
For letting Rose watch Minnie Mouse on YouTube so I could cook dinner.
For losing my temper with my husband.
For crying in the car listening to Adele.
For having to put your grandmother in a nursing center.
For not being the person that you thought you would be.
For doing the best you can with what you have.

Rest in the peace of the One who knows your journey better than you.
“For if anyone is in Christ, she is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ, reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.” -2 Corinthians 5:17-18.

And remember the ultimate goal.
“But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 3:13-14

Love and other drugs,
E. Hunter W.

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